Open Letter to People Who Have Offended My Olfactory Organs

To MrStinkyBreath:

What did you have for breakfast this morning? Because your breath smells are telling me that you ate a shit sandwich with a side of mothball chips. Get a fucking breathmint! How can you not smell that funk eminating out from beneath your own nose? Can you not taste that Crappacola in your own mouth? Go brush your teeth! Rinse with Listerene. Do something. I can't believe your wife lets you in the house with stank ass breath like that.

Yours in spearmint,
Monkeygrrl

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To MsJeanNastay:

Where do you get your perfume? I'm thinking the ladies room at the local funeral parlor. Pee you is right. Not only do you smell like a bed of roses gone bad, but you have a hint of Eu de Urine about you. You are much to well put together to be homeless or to let your bladder go freely, so what gives? And why, why dear Estee Lauder, do you bathe yourself in that concoction before entering an enclosed elevator with me? The funny look I gave you just before breaking into a huge sneezing fit, at which you rolled your eyes at me, was of pure terror. Please go home and wash yourself off.

Love and loofas,
Monkeygrrl

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To MrCombOver:

You didn't really stink, but your combover was really bad. REALLY bad. You are balding front to back, not side to side. Quit it, you look stupid. Shorn your locks and live free!

Shear Madness,
Monkeygrrl